i'm not the One.

Ive been meaning to blog about this for awhile now so I apologize in advance to my sweet friend who gave me this gift and I'm just now expressing (at least publicly) how much I love it! I seriously think every believer who has a child should be given this book. -- A few days after I had been home with William, Sarah came over for a visit, to bring dinner and she also brought me a gift. The book is called Daily Guideposts - Your first year of Motherhood. It is full of spirit-lifting devotionals and although I don't read it every day. I try to read it a few times a week! I find that it is "right on" to how I'm feeling in that moment or it mentions a trial I have recently faced. Its crazy how much this book has made me cry!! I've cried happy tears so often & laughed several times too. It helps me to realize that I am not the only mother in America that has had some of the difficulties I've faced. It also makes me remember that some people have it MUCH worse than I do. This book reminds me that each day is in HIS hands. Its not going to be perfect but each day is its own special day with William in my life. I wish I had the time to type out this entire book and I definitely plan to share as much as I can as I read these special entries...as I type this William is up from his short nap and is crying for lunch!! ...

The book takes you through day by day - throughout the first year of your child's life. There are 5 or 6 women (and a man) that have shared their stories of parenthood.  I've caught myself 'reading ahead' recently and although William is not quite two months old, I'm already reading into the "third month". I also go back and re-read them often so I'm sure I will not get ahead too much. Here are a couple of entries that have helped me through this week.

Third month: Day 5.
My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue. Psalm 39:3


Brian and I were at a community fundraiser when I bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen in years. "Sheilia!" I screamed as I hugged her. "Hows the new mommy?" she asked. Her question sent me off on a tangent as I gushed about the wonders of my child. Sheila interrupted me to mention that she'd just received Shiloh's birth announcement in the mail. "I have to say" Sheila shook her head and chuckled, "my daughter and I were laughing when we saw the picture on the announcement." I looked at her, perplexed. Sheila waved her hand in the air, " I mean, only a mother could think that photo is cute!"
The blood drained from my face and my fingers grew ice cold. I couldn't fake a smile. Another friend who stood next to me nervously fold and unfolded her arms.
"what?" I sputtered. I'm usually reluctant to confront others, but this made my passive nature completely disappear. "you know what?" I tapped my foot, unsure of what to say, as the mother bear in me emerged. "I think you should get your eyesight checked, because its obvious to me that there are some issues!" Growling, I stomped off.
I crawled into bed that night and lay silently in the dark, reflecting on the conversation with Sheila. The fury inside me tapered - a bit. Through still annoyed at my friend's forthrightness, I was most surprised by the strong reaction it had stirred within me.
"God, I need your grace to walk this parenting journey", I desperately prayed while twisting the corner of my blanket with my fingers, "because I have a hunch its going to be an uncomfortable ride."
oh, Father! What do I say? And when should I say it? And when should I be silent? And what do I do with this Mama Bear inside me? -- Ruth Bergen

... This story spoke to me as I've realized how much motherhood has already changed me. Its made me have some very strong opinions and it has made me wonder how I will react when others continue to share their beliefs and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I pray that I will react in a Godly way and realize that everyone has their own ways of doing things and sometimes others' opinions (when it has to do with something not so serious) should not impact my day nor anger me in a serious way.

Third Month - Day 7
"Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them"
Matthew 5:3
On Tuesday I figured out how to get out of the apartment and down two flights of stairs with the laundry and the baby. It was ridiculously empowering. Thursday I got through a nonautomatic door with the stroller; I swung it open and did a funky little hip thing to catch it on my rear, and rolled the stroller in backwards. pretty clever, eh? at this rate Ill be able to buy groceries by the time Elizabeth is six.
What is it about the management of life with a baby that's so overwhelming? Have I truly become incompetent, or am I just a little slow on the uptake? I've organized conferences and trained employees , and yet making a peanut butter sandwich , left handed, with my baby on my shoulder at 2am feels like a major accomplishment. In fact, I think it is.
Its an accomplishment on the order of remembering where I left the wipes box, a feat as profound as getting out of the house having forgotten only three things. This new world of motherhood is a bizarre blend of junior-high insecurity and early-onset amnesia. Its uncomfy. I'm used to being the master of my life, accustomed to having things under control. I don't like drinking from this fire hose of new things to learn. I have to resort to shrugging my shoulders, laughing at myself, and accepting that I don't know what I'm doing. I have to acknowledge that I'm not the One in control of my life, and I can't always make everything better. Huh. Maybe that's the point.
"Okay, Lord. You're in charge". - Julia Attaway.

....oh, if I only had enough fingers & toes to count the number of times this story relates to me. I've been overwhelmed by the challenges of getting one little peanut out of the house and accomplishing (what used to be) the simplest of tasks. Each time I achieve a daily goal, I pat myself on the back...and laugh. I did not imagine things going as the often times do. Its much harder than I imagined - I mean, I've achieved at a corporate job for 6 years, managed a busy-bee social life, built a photography business, managed a household and a marriage - but somehow the smallest task or 'need to buy' baby item sends my mind spinning. I love that I'm not along and Julia Attaway (the author of the above) - can relate and I'm sure she's just as incredible as I am :) haha
When I struggle with achieving what *used to be* the simplest chore, I will remind myself of the scripture that goes along with this story and Julia's prayer that I'm not the ONE in control of my life, and I can't always make everything better.