Only Hope

Of course I've been able to drag my birthday out all month. My dad would be so proud, he loves to celebrate his "birthday month". We always give him a hard time because he will use his birthday as a reason for us to do things for him the entire month of August. Then what do my parents do? - they take off to Italy during MY birthday month. They do this every year. This is their 9th trip. I'm so jealous.
I turned 30 on September 11th. It happened. I'm glad Brad and I made plans to spend that day together because that worked out perfectly. The weekend didn't turn out to be as low key as I had planned because Sarah's dear Nanny passed away a few days before and the funeral was on Sunday. It was so sad. I've only been to two other "funerals" before in my life. One was when I was about 12 and my Dad's bestfriend, Uncle Joe (who was like my 2nd dad) passed away from a heart attack. I can still, do this day, think about him and I tear up (like right now). He was an amazing man & a dear friend to my dad. My dad changed a lot after my Uncle Joe's death - but that's a story for another blog post. It was just so sad to see Sarah's family say goodbye to Nanny. While I didn't know her very well, I always respected the role that she played throughout Sarah's life. She was a beautiful influence and would always do anything for Sarah or her brother Nathan. I think having grandparents so close is such an amazing gift. I wish I had that growing up & I am glad we will be able to give our kids one set of grandparents close by (at least I hope!). And of course I wish Brad's family was closer, MUCH closer.
Back to the reason for this post, my 30th, "an ending of an era & a turning of a page". I pretty much skated through the weekend without giving my 30th too much thought because I've had such a hard time accepting it for the past few months. I know to many of you reading this, its just a number but to me its not. I can remember growing up, even in college - thinking of all the things I wanted to be doing by the time I was 30. Now, don't take this the wrong way, I have an amazing life. I have a husband that I seriously think I may love more & more each day when I didn't think it would be possible the day before, I have a loving family & amazing friends (look out for "Birthday Celebration III" coming soon) but there is one thing that I want to complete me more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life - a baby. I've always dreamed about how happy we would be as a family of 3. I want to see Brad be a daddy & I want to give us both the family we've talked about since meeting each other 7 years ago. Its just not as easy as one would hope. TTC (trying to conceive - as they call it in the infertility world) is a hard thing to talk about and some could argue that this blog is not the place to do it but oh well. Since having surgery in July, I've given a lot of thought to this problem of ours. Many have said that "God has perfect timing" and I want so badly to believe this is true but its hard to believe when everything that makes me who I am is screaming to be a mother. I say "its not fair", other says "life's not fair". So many different thoughts run through my head when I try to compile them into this blog post but I want to stick with a theme here so - back to my birthday. On friday night, my dear friend Alison met me for coffee. She has been a very willing listening ear & very supportive throughout this entire process (although she has known me less than a year, wait, is that right?). I feel like we've been friends for ages. We had such a wonderful conversation. Lots of tears were shed and I can't even type everything we talked about that night but I do want to share a story that I shared with her.
On Thursday, the 9th,  I went to the doctor to have Clomid prescribed. Ideally this medicine will help me to ovulate (keep your fingers crossed). On Thursday night (after my wonderful & loving husband gave me some beautiful sapphire earrings for my birthday (early) because he knew I had a bad day), I was listening to Pandora Radio while editing photos. For those of you that are not familiar with Pandora, it is a website that compiles music that you would like based on one or two artists that input. So I entered Norah Jones & Ingrid Michaelson (both are very talented vocally and kind of have a blues sound) and it started playing music. Most of the music was very similar to those two artists I entered and then a song called Only Hope by Switchfoot came on. Switchfoot (which is more Christian or Contemporary Rock). I've heard this song before & I've always liked it but it was the words that spoke to me on this difficult day, that I was trying to just ignore since If I thought about what I was going through, I would just explode. I've had such a hard time believing that this God I believe in has any perfect plan for me. I find it hard to believe that there is some greater force carving out the perfect little baby for me & my wonderful husband. No, its just not happening, I told myself. No, i'm not going to be that lucky or blessed. BUT then I heard these words:

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Then - I cried. Up here at the computer, tears streaming down my face onto the desk. I couldn't even make out the photography on the computer screen. Then - I prayed, for the first time in awhile, I sent up a very specific prayer. Not for a baby (although GOD knows thats what I want, hes not an idiot), I prayed for peace. I prayed for the sadness to escape me. I prayed that I would stop feeling depressed and pretending I'm ok. I prayed that I would have more "good days". I prayed that more people would 'understand' what I was going through, or at least pretend they do. I prayed hard & cried hard. I'm not the most religious person I know. I do believe in God, although sometimes I struggle with this belief. I do believe that he has a plan for me & HE is my ONLY HOPE. I'm not perfect. I hope you don't think I'm even close. We all have struggles & right now, this is mine. 

oh Gosh - a post without a photo. --- so how about this ~ from my bday party on Sat Sept 18th.

More to come.