For my records

Many of you have seen the wonderful blog books I have put together over the past couple of years. I love this tradition and I have truly enjoyed being able to look back at our lives in "coffee table book" form. The following post is more for my records than anything else. I know a lot of what I am about to write is "personal" and you may wonder why I would ever share such things on a public forum. To be truthful - It doesn't bother me, so It shouldn't bother you either. This blog is supposed to be an outlet for me and those who read it. I hope to be able to look back at these struggles next year while holding a sweet baby in my arms. This is my prayer.

I am going to outline this email with messages I sent to my closest friends and family. If you were not on these emails, and you feel you should have been, its only because we never had the opportunity to discuss what I was going through. I sent the emails to those that wanted "updates" based on previous conversations, etc.

May 26th 2010 - 

Hi All -
Wow. It wasn't until I started writing this email, that I realized how many wonderful women I have in my life that love and care about me. That...and I must really talk about myself a lot because I have all of you to update! HA. No seriously, I just wanted to take this time to update everyone on my doctor's appointment this afternoon because many of you asked for an update and I'm not really feeling up to making 18 calls at the moment. First, let me thank you for your continuous prayers and encouragement. While I'm trying to remain positive, I will say that the more prayers, the better!

As many of you already know, I was charting my temperature for the past few months to determine if I was ovulating or had any other signs that would indicate infertility. I always thought my cycles were pretty "normal", around 30 days. Well, for the past 4 months, my cycles have gone out to 33-36 days. My temperature did not spike until day 26 or so and so I thought this meant that I either A) ovulating late (and didn't have a long enough luteal phase) or B) wasn't ovulating at all. So, by now, you all know that I have a very obsessive compulsive personality and 'prefer' to be in-charge at all times. Unfortunately its not going to be that easy with this. After the past few months of "wondering", I decided to go to the Dr to present her with the last few months of data.

After about 5 minutes of hearing my story & numerical data, she responded that its "likely" that I'm not ovulating. Myth #1 - Just because your temperature spikes, does not mean you have ovulated. Myth #2 - if you menstruate each month that doesn't mean you are ovulating. First things first, I am going to get an HSG which you can learn about here . Basically they are going to shoot dye into me to see if there are any blockages in my uterus. Then, on June 15th, they are going to do an ultrasound to determine if there are any cysts or any other concerns. She said that I could start taking clomid but said that she'd rather 'have a map' (ultrasound) to see how things look before she starts prescribing drugs for this cycle. I appreciate that philosophy considering how quick doctors are to prescribe clomid these days. She is also going to test my thyroid again and check to see if I have insulin resistance. After that, assuming she doesn't find anything, she is going to try the gonadotropins (directly stimulate the ovaries to produce mature eggs) or clomid (stimulates the release of hormones that trigger ovulation).

I hate doctor's appointments because I always think of a gazillion questions after the fact and yes, I made a list before-hand. To answer Amy's first question -- I can run, but I have to "limit" my activity and make sure I'm eating normally and don't lose too much weight. Same goes for if I decide to go back to kickboxing (undecided).  I can also continue to drink coffee, diet coke and red wine = smiling Suzie -- but all within moderation (like everything else).

Some of you may think that this email was WAY too much information but if you are on this list, you know that I wear my feelings on my sleeve and if you talk to me one day and I'm perfectly happy...and then you talk to me the next day and I'm not, please don't take it personally. I imagine God is making me go through all of this for a reason and while the journey to realization is never easy, I'm going to do my best to trust in him along with you, my friend, by my side.

June 4th

Thank you all for the sweet text messages, phone calls and emails the past week. I had a wedding to shoot over memorial day weekend as well as two portrait sessions so I'm sorry If I've been too slammed to respond. Having 2 full time jobs is hard at times. I really appreciate all of you great friends/family for thinking about me today.
In my haste, I left a couple of people off the original email and I apologize for that!
For those of you that don't already know, I had the HSG today. There are a couple of you on this email that have had that procedure before so thank you for being my resource and support.
They shot dye (contrast) into my uterus and fallopian tubes to look for blockages or damage to the uterus. I had to arrive at the hospital at 2pm and wasn't allowed to eat a meal 4 hours before the test (which didn't start until 3:30). I had breakfast at 9:30ish and while I thought the test went well (kind of uncomfortable), I have to admit that I was pretty scared afterwards. The procedure lasted a little longer than expected due to some technical problems with the X-Ray machine but I still though it was fine until I got up off the table and went to change. I got really dizzy, nauseous and saw bright lights. Luckily I got the nurse's attention in the other room before I fainted and they brought me back to the table to lie down. They watched my vitals for a half hour (low blood pressure but that's normal for me) and Brad had to come pick me up from the hospital because I couldn't drive. The Dr came in and said that it was not common for that to happen but it was likely a combination of stress that my body went into during the test as well as going longer than normal without a meal.
I threw up a couple of times and have had a throbbing headache all night but the pain from the procedure is minimal, which is great. My mom stopped by and Brad has been taking care of me as much as possible between studying and preparing for job interviews. As for the results of the HSG, the Dr said that I have at least one open fallopian tube but he couldn't tell about the other one so he has to go back and review the images before sending the report to my OBGYN. We should know more at my ultrasound appointment on June 15th when my OB has had a chance to review the results. Anyways, sorry for another TMI email but I find this is the best way to update everyone. So far things are looking good and I'm on the road to getting some answers (hopefully). The Dr said its good if I have at least one open fallopian tube but it just might be harder to conceive etc.

Thank you again for all of the support. I guess its obvious by now how much having a family means to Brad and I and we appreciate your love and encouragement.

June 15th -

Hi all - I hope this email finds you happy & well on this HOT-LANTA Tuesday evening! I am contemplating going to bed after I update you all so nothing else goes wrong today (too much to type).
First, I received a call from my doctor last week who confirmed that my right tube is blocked.
Next, I had an external and internal ultrasound today which found a 8CM cyst on my left ovary. It pretty much engulfs the entire ovary and is likely the reason I am not ovulating (at least on my left side).
Left side = good tube/bad ovary
right side = bad tube/good ovary
Can a girl catch a break?
So, with that said, the chances of me becoming pregnant are VERY slim (not impossible but slim to none).
My OB suggests that we do surgery to remove the cyst. Due to the size of my cyst, the Dr suggests a laparotomy versus a laparoscopy because she said there is a greater chance that she would have to remove my ovary with the laparoscopy but the labarotomy allows for a greater measure of torque and she hopes she will be able to maneuver around the cyst and get underneath it to remove it in its entirety.
While they are in "there", they are also going to do a Hysteroscopy for the right tube. My OB thinks that there is a polyp that is blocking the uterus/fallopian tube. She will use a scope to see what the problem is and try to "flush" it out.
I haven't scheduled the surgery yet since the person that does the scheduling will not be in the office until Monday. There was someone taking her place that "thought" the next avail appointment could be July 2nd (4th of July weekend . ugh). My OB only operates on Fridays.

As for my spirits, I'd say they are much better than they were around 3pm.  A big thanks to all of you who have called & sent texts. A HUGE thank you to Kelli for the distraction this evening. (although it doesn't help to see how freakin' adorable Nolan is! :)

I am praying this helps because I am not thrilled about the idea of being in the hospital for 2-3 days etc etc.

June 22nd 

HI Everyone -

Just wanted to give you all a quick update since many of you have asked when my surgery date will be.

I have scheduled surgery for July 9th. I decided not to do it over July 4th weekend because that is going to be my last 'active' time for a awhile and I want to make the best of it.

I have a pre-op appointment on July 2nd when I hope to get a lot of my questions answered. Surgery on the following Friday, July 9th, at Cobb Wellstar Hospital. I am not sure of the exact time but it will likely be around 10am.

So this is where it gets crazy - while on the phone with the scheduling nurse this morning, I mentioned a form that work wanted the Dr to fill out and she said "that would be no problem so I guess you've already let them know you will be out of work for 6 weeks" Ummm. No. I didn't! because I didn't know that.

It kind of freaked me out because I guess this  is a lot more serious than I realized. I mean, I knew I had to be in the hospital for 3 days but I just pictured myself returning to work that following Tuesday. Needless to say, I'm pretty upset because being out of work that long makes it 'that' more serious. The nurse went on to explain (as did the Doctor when I met with her) that this is more serious than a laproscopy because the cyst is "so large" and you have to be "opened up". UGH! It gives me the Eeebie Jeebies!!

And to put a cherry on top of all of this, I was just moved into a very high profile position at work where it was basically JUST me doing research & presentations. Well, I'm not going to be able to do what they expected. Luckily, work has been understanding and I qualify for FMLA while I am out. Phew! Being without pay for 6 weeks could really cramp my style. haha.

No seriously, more than ever, please keep me in your prayers. Just when I thought I could handle this, it gets a little more serious than expected. I know that this is a "common" procedure for the most part but this is my first surgery and I am scared/anxious.

July 6th - 

Hi Everyone -

I hope you all had a nice 4th of July Weekend. We definitely worked in some relaxation between study time for Brad & photography work for me. I'm certainly glad that I didn't schedule the surgery for this past weekend.

After some persuasion from some friends & family, I went in for a 2nd opinion on Wednesday. I went to see a great doctor at the Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine. Unfortunately, a few of you on this email are familiar with this office due to some problems of your own. My mom went with me to this appointment because she has been VERY uneasy about the whole procedure. The doctor was very informative and even drew me a picture of the cyst on my ovary (im a visual learner!). I know there has been some confusion why I have to have a laparotomy verus a laparoscopy. This is my fault. I had been saying that my cyst is 8mm when in fact it is 8cm! Big difference. A typical ovary is 2cm x 3cm and mine is currently 7cm x 8cm. Other than reproductive reasons, the cyst has to be removed because it can continue to grow & twist my ovary which would result in blood loss and emergency surgery to have it removed. Anyway, a laparotomy (although more invasive), is my best option to have the cyst removed while hoping to save my ovary. The hysteroscopy & a DNC are also going to be performed at the same time. My mom definitely felt better after having an explanation from the docotor versus a 2nd hand explanation from me. Although I think she may be a bigger mess than me about all of this! I told the Dr that it was great meeting him but I hoped to never see him again (since he specializes in infertility).

Brad & I attended my pre-op appointment at the Dr's office & the hospital on Friday. A lot of paper work and a lot of waiting around. Its really scary some of the stuff they include on those forms! Worst case scenarios for sure.

All of this to say, my surgery is still scheduled for this Friday, July 9th at 9:10am. I will be at Cobb Wellstar Hospital off of Austell Rd. Brad will have my cell phone if anyone wants an update. My last day of work will be Thursday. I plan on leaving at 2pm because I have some pre-op cleansing that I have to do. Have I mentioned how much I am dreading not being able to eat solid food on Thursday until who knows when? Clear liquids only. Those of you that know how I am when I don't eat, may want to steer clear. haha.

Thank you for your continuous prayers & support. Love you all ~

Suzie

July 9th - 

Email from Brad to friends & family after surgery:

11:56 am- Everything went fine with the surgery and she is recovering now.

2:17 pm -  Suzie is in her room and doing fine. The doctor said that everything went according to plan.

Email from Sarah - 4:02 pm. 

Not that brad didn't do a fabulous job with the update... :)

Surgery was successful, cyst was removed and Fallopian tube cleared of multiple polyps. Maureen and brad said the doctor showed them a picture of her holding cyst/mass removed and it was about the size of tennis ball. Really wish i'd gotten to see it!

Suzie is alert but groggy thanks that morphine pump. She keeps trying to stay awake and talk though. Imagine that! She's on an ice chip diet until 6 am tomorrow and she's not thrilled! Hopefully she'll pass out soon and get some rest.

I know she is appreciative of all the thoughts prayers, calls and flowers!

July 13th - 

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughts and prayers over the last week. As you already know, I am home (which is great) and I am doing a lot of taking it easy as prescribed.
I amrelieved that the orange-sized mass is now out of me and my uterus and fallopian tube are free of blockages. It was rough. The first few days but I feel my strength returning with the passing of each day. I can't get out of bed or bathe myself without help but I can walk to the bathroom now. I am confined to the upstairs and the boredom does hit me here and there. I'm not sure what people did after surgery before there were smart phones? I can send this email without even lifting my head!
Thank you to those friends and family members that have taken the boredom out of my days with your visits and flower deliveries! I don't think this bedroom has ever smelled so good! :)
Oh, and thank you for feeding my husband. Not sure I could have made it through this far without him & my mom!!

July 18th 

Hi everyone - Just wanted to send a quick email to update everyone on my progress and post-op appointment on Friday.
The appointment went well despite 45 minutes of waiting around (which is not easy for me to do right now) for a 5 min appointment. Dr. S said that my incision looks good and I seem to be recovering well thus far. I took this to mean that it was possible to have a shorter recovery time but as soon as I said "So are you thinking more like 4 weeks for recovery?", she told me "No, i'll see you in 5 weeks & don't try to weasel your way out of this". Wow, how did she know I was going to try? ha.
I saw the photos of the cyst and the polyps. INCREDIBLE - that's all I have to say. I cannot believe how big it was. I had some blood drawn as well and the nurse told me "oh, I saw your photos" so I guess they were floating around the office & may be in a text book soon. ha.  I asked how I didn't know it was in me and the doctor explained that some people don't feel pain as easily as others. Dr S said this is another reason why she is being so strict on the recovery. She said that 'just because you are not feeling a lot of pain, doesn't mean you don't have to take it easy". Maybe its true that redheads have a high tolerance for pain (I heard that somewhere). Hilarious.

The first week has been tough, I'm not going to pretend it wasn't. I still have some pain (sometimes sharp & sometimes dull) but I feel my strength returning more & more each day. I have not been taking the pain meds because they make me nauseous. I can't stand to feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. It hurts to laugh, cough & sneeze so I can't imagine how horrific the pain would be if I were sick to my stomach. My mom & Brad have been lifesavers. My mom even had to bathe me the first few days. Its so hard not being able to take care of myself. You all know how independent I prefer to be. I will begin blogging a little more about the things I'm doing to occupy my time and more of how I'm feeling etc. If you are interested, you can check it out on the blog within the next week or so. I will make the emails fewer & far between so I will not clog your in-boxes.

Thank you for all the beautiful flowers (some of the prettiest i've ever seen!), cards, VISITS, messages, MEALS (you have no idea how helpful this has been), and thoughts/prayers!

You are truly the greatest group of family & friends a girl could ask for.